It's Time.

During the past couple of months I have not been myself. I set out these big goals to accomplish and I tell all of my friends that I'm going to do it. Now the time has come and I have failed. I am so pissed off at myself. Not only did I let my friends down (I think), most importantly I've let myself down yet again. I've noticed people in my life who are doing well for themselves. They are going after what they want. A part of me is so jealous. I question how they do it. Honestly I can only be mad at myself. I am the one who's standing in the way of what I want. For the last 3 years, I have so badly wanted to run a half-marathon and to lose weight. I can remember a time in my life that I truly loved who I was. During the time of self-love I was happy with myself and where I was at in my own life. Now things are so much more complicated. I am in a position where my decisions effect those who are closest to me. No matter what I decide I am hurting someone and that feels awful. Sometimes I would rather hurt myself 10 times than to hurt someone else. However, I have to stop hurting myself and start listening to my heart. My heart has been telling my so many things throughout that past 5 years and I have chosen to put those feelings aside. Now, I have to listen. I have to figure out a way to do what's best for me. So many people have told me that it's better to be in a little bit of pain at first rather than to be in a lifetime of pain.

So now is the time to really work on myself. I have given myself a year to accomplish my goals. First off, I want to become a marathon runner. I've wanted to participate in the Waddell and Reed Marathon in Kansas City for the past 3 years. Now is the time! I can not put it off any longer. Second, I want to lose weight (not quite ready to reveal the number). I want to embrace the seasons and not be afraid of them because of my weight. Lastly, throughout my journey I need to find what it is that I truly want for my life. This will be hard work and I'm going to have to make tough decisions that may or may not hurt loved ones. This is what I know now, I can not keep hurting myself and living a life that is not me.

Best of Luck to me, I can do this!